After all this time, I no longer ask myself why, because I know why. I know exactly why. Sure, there were moments where I was so angry at you for hurting me the way you did – completely carelessly. But, I’m smarter than that. I know that if I hold a grudge, I give you the power, and I already let you take so much from me. I know that if I don’t forgive you and move on, I might not ever let someone else in.
As much as you hurt me – as much as you made me feel insignificant and small, I still have hope that someday someone will come along who won’t make me feel that way. And, I don’t want to miss out on that because, I went through life allowing you to make me angry for the things you did to hurt me.
Looking back, what was even worse than you hurting me was me letting you do it. If you were the robber, I handed you the money. I was blind. When you walked into circle and saw every other guy except for me, I was blind. When you would opt out of paying any attention to me at all around other guys, I was blind. When you would ignore my texts asking how your day was for hours on end, I was blind. When you would only spend time with me when it was convenient for you, I was blind. When you would criticize me in the smallest, most minute ways that almost seemed harmless, I was blind. When I would call you on the phone to say hi and you had nothing to say back, I was blind.
Wanting you came with a price and that price was denial. I was blind to the fact that for an entire semester, I was a game you played very well.
But, I ended that game the morning when suddenly, out of nowhere, you told me that something changed. And, I knew exactly what changed. That morning in the cold July air, I plead your case, trying so hard to blur every line I'd drawn. But, it took one sentence from your lips to finally make me see. In a split second, you changed everything I had ever felt about you. As you spoke, I couldn’t even look at you. And, when you will hugged me because you felt bad, I will walk away from you, and I wont look back. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to hurt me as badly as you had. You did it so easily. It was almost as if you didn’t do it at all. Because, you were smart enough to know that good moments outweigh bad moments by a landslide. When and if we had good moments, they were great – they were better than great.
But, I knew better, me crying for your love doesnt signify my weakness but because i want you back in my life. I have gentlewomen in my life and they taught me better. If you were the gentlewoman you claimed to be, you would have looked me in the eyes and told me sooner rather than later that I wasn’t what you wanted. You would have given it to me straight. You would have let me down, and I would have taken it. And, chances are, I would have had more respect for you in the process.
Still, I forgive you. You want to know why I forgive you? Because, you’re a 18-year-old girl. A girl that want to explore feeling you are big already, Not a lady or woman. And, it was my mistake for letting you toy with me. I knew better.
In the end, you were not a mistake. You were a lesson well learned, and I am so thankful that I learned, even if it took a little bit of heartbreak to get me there. Life itself is a learning process. We make mistakes, we learn. I learned from you. I learned the hard way, but I learned. And, never again will I blame myself for the way you treated me. I know now that it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with you. Because once upon a time, someone you loved hurt you. And, I can’t blame you for that.
I have some good memories with you and I choose to remember you that way, just like I choose to forgive you. I’ve found that yes, the good times do outweigh the bad, but forgiveness outweighs pain – and I no longer feel a thing
Yours sincerely KIDDY OLAWALE